Stupid words.

Do you ever consider how odd communication is, on it's most basic level?
We make noises and facial expressions and hand gestures, and it tells other people what we are trying to convey. For most, it's an easy task. You say exactly what you mean at the exact time that you need to say it, and the person understands you.
For me, communication has always been a struggle.

Social anxiety, they all say. It leads to stammering and drawn out sentences that don't necessarily come to a clear conclusion or meaning. Being scared of the person's reaction to what it is that you are trying to communicate. They say that I simply need to be more confident, and speak less about details and more about the main point.

My boyfriend is amazing. For the most part, he knows what I'm trying to express even when it makes little to no sense. He understands my tears, my laughter, and what it means when he comes home to a clean house. He's observant. If he hadn't been in the army for six years and relied on his ability to dissect details, we probably would have many more problems with our relationship.

My words don't work the majority of the time, which leads to more frustration and anxiety about having to say anything at all. I feel confident with children because they aren't as quick to judge, and more than willing to ask for clarification. Anyone else will simply ignore or avoid conversations with me. I have to say that as a supervisor for my job, this doesn't make anyone's life very easy. Sometimes it feels so fucking hopeless, to step back and realize that even though I went into a situation with good intentions and clear thoughts, I walked away confused and embarrassed.

These situations happen most when I'm fasting. When my brain isn't functioning properly, and I can't connect one thought to another with any type of ease.

My mom says it's a lack of protein - that when she's having a spell with her speech, she eats a cheese stick or some nuts, and BAM. She's okay to teach classes.

For me, that's not an option right now. It's like I have to decide whether I'm going to hate the world today for eating, or hate the world today for not eating and the quirks that come with it.

The little worries are coming back. Hand lotion, shampoo and body wash... how many calories am I absorbing? Clothes... are the chemicals and substances they're made out of altering my bodies chemistry, and causing me to retain water? If I make my boyfriend food, am I taking in any of those calories when I touch it?

I hate feeling crazy.
I hate anorexia.